Bitten

PLOT:

Jack, a paramedic, is frustrated with his life after he breaks up with his girlfriend. He discovers a girl (Danika) in an alley way covered in blood, clinging to life. Jack takes Danika in and soon discovers that she is a vampire.

Jack and Danika try to find a way to feed her cravings to drink blood while killing as little as possible. All their attempts end without success because a vampire needs fresh human blood. Jack also must find places to hide the bodies in his apartment, including the body of his ex-girlfriend, who had gone to his apartment to reclaim several of her possessions before Danika had bitten and killed her. Jack discovers upon his ex-girlfriend’s corpse reanimating into a vampire (and having to kill her when she attacks him in a rage) that only a stab to the heart will kill a vampire.

When Danika becomes more violent, killing several people, including a young woman, Jack is forced to kill her with the help of his paramedic co-worker and friend, who stabs Danika in the heart while she attacks Jack, and succeeds in killing her, but not before Jack is bitten, leaving Jack’s fate to be unknown during the final credits and an out-take sequence. However, we then see that Jack has become a vampire, apparently cared for by his co-paramedic, who is feeding him from a dish of blood.

REVIEW:

As a huge fan of the Jay & Silent Bob movies, I always loved how over the top Jason Mewes was as Jay, so when I saw that he was in this film, Bitten, I figured it couldn’t hurt to see what he could do when he wasn’t Jay.

Let me start this off by saying that the only reason I even know about this flick is that is had a hot vampire chick on the cover of the DVD when I saw it in Wal-Mart a few weekends ago. Sad part is, that may very well be one of the more redeeming qualities of this picture.

When it comes to vampire movies these days, it seems as if they are all overly dramatic, emo, whiny pussies who don’t want to do anything but sit around in the body glitter, eating bon bons and talking about their feelings. I’m sorry, but I can’t picture Dracula doing that. Can you?

This why I’m glad our vampire, Denicka, only mentions her feelings and whatnot in the manner any female would. Of course, anyone tha hot can talk about what she wants and I won’t complain.

Honestly, I’m not quite sure what the plot is here, other than Jason Mewes finds a vampire in the trash outside his apartment, takes her in, cleans her up, and then somehow has to find ways to feed her, all th while he is suffering from lack of sleep, about to lose his job and best friend, and can’t handle the moral dilemma that comes from having a vampire kill in your house.

Confused? Yeah, that’s what I was while watching this thing. I mean, this random, hot chick is thrown in the trash in front of an apartment building? WTF?!? Common sense would tell you to throw her in the river or the dump or something. On top of that, where is the vampire than turned her? Are there other vampires running around? Why can’t she remember anything and what happened to her family?

When you watch this film, these are the questions you’ll be asking, unfortunately, none of them will be answered.

The acting is about as pedestrian as you can get. Jason Mewes may be great as Jay, but can’t really do much else. He better talk to Kevin Smith about a new Jay and Silent Bob movie so he can actually make a living as an actor, because otherwise he has no talent.

Erica Cox, who plays Denika, may be hot as hell, but as a vampire, she is worse than Bill’s “daughter” on True Blood. Can it really be that hard to play a convincing vampire, especially one that actually has human emotions?

This thing doesn’t totally suck (pardon the pun). There are some comedic moments, such as Jack’s partner’s obsession with all things dealing with ass, such as his own irritable bowel syndrome and giving women the shocker.

There is also montage where Jack wraps the dead bodies in bubble wrap while a Barney song is playing. Belive me, the song mixed with that makes it hilarious.

The best part of this film, though, had to be the 3 way scene halfway through the picture, or maybe anytime Denika walks around topless, for that matter. Other than that, this really wasn’t worth the 90 minutes I wasted watching it. I can’ recommend this to anyone, unless you just want to see any and everything dealing with vampires. Otherwise, stay away…FAR away.

2 out of 5 stars

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