Doctor Zaius Reviews the Original Planet of the Apes Films

Dr. Zaius, Professional Therapist

This is Doctor Zaius, Minister of Science and Chief Defender of the Faith, writing to you in the year 3955. Listen to me all simiankind, for my words come from on high. I am a direct mouthpiece of our great and wise Lawgiver, he who established order from chaos. It has come to my attention that the entirely fictitious projections known as the Planet of the Apes films are gaining in popularity, particularly among young dissidents, most-especially in the distant city of Mak, despite the films having been outlawed in every province from here to the Forbidden Zone. These films use complex camera techniques and sophisticated special effects to make it appear as if humans can talk, reason, and orchestrate complex plans. Our benevolent Lawgiver saw such a day, when foul and evil propaganda would be used to turn our children against the truth and the salvation that lies therein. Quoting from the words of the Lawgiver, 17th scroll, 5th verse:

5 And in those days a plague came out of the Forbidden Zone, a remnant of the beast Man, yet more destructive than anything Man had ever spawned, having the power to turn ape against ape, which thing is an abomination before God.

Citizens, I say unto you today, that plague is upon us. It warps the minds of our children with lies nested in lies until they can no longer distinguish truth from fiction. Now, I would urge each and every one of you to shun such films as you would a dirty, smelly human. However, if your children have already succumbed to any such films, I have prepared a list of useful descriptions of these film’s contents and potential rebuttals to the messages contained within.

What's that you say? Bananas!?

Planet of the Apes

With a message that ostensibly teaches us of the destructive nature of humans, Planet of the apes might seem harmless on the surface. However, in addition to the many disturbing questions it raises, it serves as a gateway to the other films. Although it’s main theme seems to be that all Humans, particularly those over 30-years-old, are bad and ultimately self-destructive, it also not only postulates that some humans can talk but also insists on the preposterous notion that they ruled this planet before us and reached a level of technology that far exceeds our own. Scientific heresy and a  laughable concept to be sure, except no one will be laughing when your children begin giving speaking lessons to the local human infestations. After all of the effort and taxpayer money we’ve invested in eradicating them from our borders, it would be a shame to encourage human recolonization of any sort. If Taylor (Bright Eyes) and his friends were so intelligent and advanced, how come they were so easily dispatched? Also, the film supposes some massive government conspiracy, perpetrated by none other than yours truly. Preposterous!

Mommy, it's doing it again!

Beneath the Planet of the Apes
Another seemingly harmless film. Beneath the Planet of the Apes seems to superficially suggest the positive message that humans are inherently evil and ultimately destructive. It has even been suggested by some of the less informed gorillas of the Ape City military that this film be incorporated into our anti-human campaigns. However, with its depiction of hyper-evolved, well-organized, and grotesquely-disfigured humans capable of feats of mind-control and inducing mass hallucinations, it has the potential of not only mythologizing our own human populations of scavengers, but also of creating a sort of “Bogey-Man” frightening enough to rival or even replace our own “Bogey-Ape”. It would be a loss of our personal culture.  Perhaps the most blasphemous of the films, Beneath the Planet of the Apes depicts multiple gorillas cruelly crucified upside-down as well as the destruction of a statue of the Lawgiver, which is a crime punishable by death. The filmmakers are currently being sought for prosecution. As in the previous film, some talented orangutan attempts an impression of me in this film. However, I see no likeness in his mannerisms or speech. This film depicts the destruction of the entire world, and yet we are still here.

Cornelius takes a mental health day

Escape From the Planet of the Apes

This film is just laughably silly. It supposes not only that humans can fly, but that their metal bird contains the last surviving simians from our world, three chimpanzees. Of course, it all goes horribly wrong when they arrive on a planet occupied solely by intelligent and war-mongering humans. The chimpanzees are cruelly murdered, but not before leaving their child in the hands of a circus owner. The movie supposes that the chimpanzees are not smart enough to out-think their captors. While most chimpanzees are peace-loving hippies, I’d be surprised that they wouldn’t come to their senses in the face of certain and inevitable death. This film features the largest human cast out of any in the series. It must have been nigh impossible for the man-handlers to control them all. The major flaw of the film (besides suggesting that intelligent humans live in a massive city full of towering stone structures) is a line suggesting that the sacred scrolls contain an account of  an ape slave, Aldo, rising-up and defying his human masters. I have read all of the Sacred Scrolls and can attest that no such story exists within. There are some among us who would suggest that this is written in a scroll, recently found in an ancient stone box eroding out of a river bank. These stories are fabrications and lies!

four legs good, two legs bad!!!

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

Perhaps the darkest film of the entire series. It depicts many orangutans, gorillas, and chimpanzees enslaved by violent and self-absorbed humans. However, thanks to Caesar, the son of the murdered chimpanzees form the last movie, the apes start an uprising. Now, one might think that such a film would be supported by the Simian government. Except, it still maintains that humans were once intelligent and ruled over us, a laughable prospect indeed. If any enjoyment can be derived from this film, it is the extended scenes of ape on human violence. However, I would encourage each and every one of you, my ape citizens, to take every available opportunity to perpetrate some real violence on humans. Join the Human Extermination Forces today! A matter of note, This film is the first use of an ape (and orangutan no less) heavily made-up as a human. The talented actor/philosopher, Ulysses, donned a complex rubber mask to portray the circus owner, Seńor Armando.

so many unanswered questions

Battle For the Planet of the Apes

Perhaps the biggest logic flaw that we see here is the massive time jump of several hundred years, only to find that Caesar is still alive and well. This film continues the trend first seen in Beneath the Planet of the Apes of depicting the gorillas as being stupid and unnecessarily militaristic. As I’ve often said in my sermons, “When it comes to humans, compassion is not a virtue”. This film presents the preposterous notion of intelligent humans and apes living together in harmony, a laughable prospect to be sure, for as we know, The Sacred Scrolls say in Scroll 75, verses 18-21:,

18 Do not let the humans in among you, for they will devour your crops and defile your women. 19 For man is an enemy to ape and as such an enemy of God. 20 And any enemy of God shall not be allowed to live. 21 Thus saith the Lawgiver: The only good human is a dead human.

The film also insists on depicting the first ape on ape murder which is such a devastating tragedy that it should never be fictionalized, only related in our sacred religious services and observed by silence during our yearly observances.

Signs that your children have fallen under the destructive spell of these blasphemous works of a fevered mind include:

    • Disobedience
    • Inappropriate questioning of established societal mores
    • Incessant efforts to talk to humans and treat them with respect or even love
    • Participation in Anti-war protests and constant references to “Peace” and/or “Freedom”

Don’t let this tragedy befall your family. Talk to your children today, if you have not already. Remember the wisdom of our Lawgiver, the greatest of us all, 29th scroll, 6th verse,

6 Beware the beast Man, for he is the Devil’s pawn. Alone among God’s primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yea, he will murder his brother to possess his brother’s land. Let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him; drive him back into his jungle lair, for he is the harbinger of death.

If you fear that your children have already contracted the mental diseases of any or all of these films please contact the General Ursus Memorial Re-education center today. It could save your life and the lives of your children.

And don’t even get me started on Project Nim, Ed, and Born To Be Wild

Viva los...monos?


Share Your Thoughts!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s